seeking for the truth

    I totally agree with the saying”how time flies”! Just like that, I am one year older. Though the number is getting bigger and bigger, I am still like a kid every year at this time. I have expectations I have to say, though the things I expect is different every year.

   As I remembered, when I was even a kid, because my family is not rich and I have inherited the good habit of being economical, I do not ask for anything, even not a birthday cake.  One year, my teacher bought me a birthday cake and I returned it to the shop. I was only 10 or something then.  Kind of unbelievable, right? Ok, that’s not the point though. And I do not think that’s the best choice. I think that kid has to be a kid. Kids should feel free to enjoy the things she can have, esp if it is offered by someone already.

    In my memory, I always have lots of phone calls from my relatives and old friends. I am always so shocked to get calls from those I never call on their birthdays. I feel a bit ashamed though. Excited still. I know there are so many people who does care about me. I am just used to that. This year, I am expecting something. I am expecting blessings from my family here in CD. I just take it for granted that there will be at least one person who remembers that. I did not speak that out though I know that’s what in my heart.  My birthday this year is a Friday. Just as normal, working the whole day, and had a Bible Study that evening. At the bus stop waiting for the bus, there is an Anderson behind me. I thought of going to buy a birthday cake for myself but did not do that. I was afraid if I will really enjoy that by myself. Later after getting off the bus, I got a “happy birthday” message from Ann, an old friend from College. She is also a sister. She just said something like “Did you enjoy the cake? Who was spending this special day with you etc”. I just told her “no birthday cake for I am alone at home”.”Where are all the sisters then?” “Come on, let’s stop here, I almost cried for I do NOT like this loneliness on my birthday”. I decided to watch TV for a while, just idle my time that night. I do not want to think over the topic that “I am important and they should say or do something”. Later someone from my former group called to say something which had nothing to do with my birthday. I did not have any passion in the topic. My indifference and unhappiness was noticed and the question was brought out. At last I just burst out to a cry:”I am not happy and I am in a self-pity moment because this is my birthday today and nobody in my group said anything about that. I thought this group is my family and family members are not supposed to be like that!!!” I was kind of mad I think, and disappointed too. I do not think it’s their fault though we’ve made a list of everyone’s birthday recorded and everyone has one copy. I was the one to remind everyone of whose birthday and nobody remembered mine. What a sad thing! What a fool  I am. I think I was still like a kid. I just did not like being alone for the past birthdays I always had someone with me. I am one year older, but I am not one year maturer I think, at least in this area. Am I too funny in your eyes? I do not mind at all if you say so. Because that is the truth. Now the birthday has past a few days and when I look back on that day, ridiculous I think. I am kind of a joke. And I do not mind sharing my won joke with you all. You are welcome to share any of your happy birthday experience with me.

   At last, Thank you all for your sweet blessings. The ones who remembered it and send me the blessings as well as the ones who forgot, I know you will definitely say happy birthday if your remembered. And happy birthday to everyone . HaHa, no one is left .

In a recent study I learned something amazing and important in Acts 10. It is so precious so that I want to write it down to share with you whoever is reading this article.

       There are two main people in Acts 10. One is Cornelius and the other Peter. First talking about Cornelius: Who is he? As the word says in verse 1 he is an Italian. In another word, he is a foreigner and gentile. But he is someone (not only him, but his family) devout and God-fearing; gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly. He is a person pleased by God. One day about tree in the afternoon he had a vision. Something we could draw from this verse about vision is: those who receive visions from God are the ones closely related to God and obedient. And he received this vision in his prayer. The reason I put this here is because there are so many people say that they see the vision from God here and there. I am not saying that it has to be exactly the same as Cornelius so that we can receive visions from the Lord, but we cannot just say that we received a vision from the Lord easily. God has given us HIS words in Bible. We can read about HIS heart in HIS words. Talking about vision, it has to be something special either to God or to the person who is closely related to God. Visions are often something revealing God’s heart and plan to us human beings. It will never go against the Word of God. When we say or hear that we or someone else received a vision from the Lord, we do have to consider it seriously. OK, about vision, there is another vision in this chapter given to Peter in his prayers as it says in verse 9. Peter is a disciple loved by Jesus and he is the one always stays closely to Jesus. He knows God’s heart more than lots of others. Cornelius’ vision is about an angel of God telling him to bring back Peter while Peter’s vision is telling Peter kill and eat all kinds of four-footed animals. Peter is a Jew. He grew up with teaching and customs that they should never eat those four-footed animals. So this is not even a topic to them, this is so natural a part of their life. Here it is the Lord telling him killing and eating those animals. And the vision showed him three times. (Number three has a special relationship with Peter). Just by that time, Cornelius’ servants were there inviting Peter over to his house. To Peter and other Jews, Cornelius, a foreigner and gentile, is someone like four-footed animals. I am not saying that Jews treat other nations as animals, but they think they are unclean and will never want to visit their home. After being showed this vision three times, Peter totally understood that it’s God’s plan.

       Not like Paul, the scriptures did not record how Peter learned about other cultures. He is more often the one who is more Jewish. It’s never a problem for Paul to visit a foreigner’s house, but a huge issue for Peter. But the Holy Spirit worked it out just like that. Holy Spirit can change a person’s heart and attitude and give clear and specific leading to a person for God’s Will. What a wonderful thing. At the same time, Cornelius, who had stayed in Israel area long enough to know their language, more importantly, know, believe and follow their God is like the bridge for this story in Acts 10. God did not choose anyone randomly. He picked the right Cornelius. Cross-culture, obedience, close relationship with God and the leading of Holy Spirit worked perfectly together which leads to the church being founded in Cornelius’ home. God’s name and Glory was testified by Cornelius and Peter’s meeting and so many Gentiles were blessed also. What a wonderful meeting. As a “Gentile” according to the original definition, I am encouraged by this chapter. Now I am also the chosen one. Either way, I can bless others under God’s leading. Lord, I want to take the lessons you chose for me and be an obedient daughter so that my life can also testify Your name and bring Glory to You.   

Heb4:14-16

      Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

      Yesterday morning I was reading the Bible alone at home. A sister texted to ask a question about a verse in the book of Hebrew. Then I felt like to read this book again today. When I read to the verses 4:14-16, my heart was so touched.

      I am sure that every Christian has some experiences of fighting against sins or temptations. It’s also quite frequent that we failed. It does not mean the lesson we learned before can be totally applied in the next one. Satan knows our weaknesses too. I do not want to blame satan only, but want to take a deeper look at my own responsibilities. First, what is a temptation? My temptation might not be your temptation, yours might not be mine. There are some similarities between our temptations: we don’t face it once only. Even if we did win over this temptation once before, we might fail again. We can never boast that we can win over temptations. We can proclaim that we can win, but never boast. I am thinking of two verses right now: first one in the book of Exodus14:13 “Don’t be afraid! Stand your ground, and you will see what the LORD will do to save you today; you will never see these Egyptians again.” I am not quite sure if I can take the Egyptians here as temptations also, but I do hope that’s the way it is. However, from my own experience, it’s not like that. The second verse I am thinking of at the moment is Mat 6:13  And  lead  us  not  into  temptation. After typing out this verse, this sentence becomes so vivid and alive: lead us not into temptation. We know where are the areas that we are easily tempted. It’s like walking on a street with magic gardens alongside. Our temptations areas are where the gardens are. These magic gardens smell nice and taste good but it’s poisonous. We might not physically die instantly but we will get addicted to it. And our spirit knows that entering to this temptation leads to the death of the spirit. What a dangerous thing!

        Besides the prayer as it is in Mat6:23, I also want to beg God to change my heart so that I will dislike the gardens. However, Father may not just change my heart like that, He wants me to choose myself. I know He will always be there leading me, it’s my choice to follow or not. So my prayer will be: Father, please lead me not into temptation and help me always choose your choices.

          Back to the verse from the book of Hebrew, God is so merciful to experience and overcome all the temptations. It’s definitely His grace for us. He loves us so much that He goes through everything we have to go as well. Jesus does understand us totally. Do not and never use the excuse that Jesus is God so that He does not understand us human beings. He does. He understands everything for He was in all points tempted like we are. The difference is that He did not sin. Jesus is not showing how perfect He is, He resisted all the temptations for letting us therefore come boldly unto the throne. And also, this is a throne of grace. From the throne, we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. What a perfect blessing! It can not fit us any better. The reason for this perfect blessing is because Jesus loves us so badly and He understands us totally. What a friend, what a priest, what a God! Thank you, my dear God! Your love and grace gives me strength to resist my temptations. Thank you, my Lord. praise your beautiful name

   Yesterday I had dinner with Will and his girfriend. It was a nice time eating and talking with them. They even walked me home from the restaurant which took about half an hour. During this half an hour, they said a lot about the impression their christian friends gave them. I was quite shocked to hear some of their ideas. Frankly, what they said are quite right because it is true that some christians are so pride to be a christian. They way they talk to others are not quite equal. It seems that they belong to a higher class. Yes, the Bible does say that we are the chosen nation and ……..But no matter what, we have to keep it mind that it is by HIS grace that we are saved. It has nothing to do with our own goondess. We have no goodness. It’s all about HIM. They also mentioned that during this earthquake time, some christians came to sichuan to help, but the way they think about it is like its their ministry and they are the ones who can offer and they are so merciful to the ones in need. I totally understand that. They also commented on some NGOS. Those are the fact. The other fact is, not only THEM, but me included sometimes, too.

     Later that night I was reading John 1. While talking about John the word says John is not the light, but teh witness to the light. I was reminded of the book of Mattew  where talks about we being the light and salt of the world. We can not be the light by ourselves. We have to let the real LIGHT light in us so that others will see us as light.  If we have invited Jesus in our life, we have to give the authority to HIM and let HIM shine in us, so that we can be the light of the world.  Light and darkness can not reveal together. So we have a choice. Do we choose HIS lifestyle and worldview or the world’s lifestyle? If we say we are gonna to let HIM be the light and shine in us, we have to choose HIS lifestyle and abide in HIM. So easy and simple.

     Though it’s summer at the moment I still want to talk about winter and spring, something I heard from a dearly sister recently. I am blessed so much by this and I want to share it with you, whoever read my post.

     We all love spring, the season stands for life and flowers. It is a season full of rain, life, and colors. It is a season for hope. Everybody likes it. And about winter, it’s darker, cold, and sometimes freezing. Not much signs of life in winter. Though the world covered with snow looks nice to us, some still have a negative attitude towards this. No matter what, winter is a part of the four seasons. You can not just omit that. It’s the same with our spiritual life, there is spring and there is winter.

     By now, lots of people must have got the main meaning of winter in terms of spiritual life. During this period of time, it seems that we are so low and do not know where God is. No answer to our prayers and things get stuck there. Everything looks so terrible. Why does God put winter in our spiritual life? Does not God say that He will bless those who love HIM？It does make any sense to me.

     Well, let’s take a close look at winter first. What happens in winter time? Because of the cold weather, bugs die in winter. In our culture, people will worry about the harvest of the coming year if the winter is not cold enough or not long enough for the bugs will stay alive after a short warm winter. Some plants need cold temperature to grow better for it is how it is created. Sounds strange I know. But farmers all know that a cold and long enough winter is necessary for the coming spring. In another word, if the winter is not winter enough, we can not enjoy the coming spring. It does not mean that God is not working in our winter time if we do not see HIM. His way and idea is way higher than ours. Therefore, what is the right attitude we should hold towards winter? Patient and always be grateful for the coming result. That is also faith.

     It is my prayer: Father, pls equip me with the right attitude towards any season you put in my life. Forgive me for the wrong attitude I had or have. Always teach me. Thank you so much for you are always right and you always want to give me the best. It’s just me who did not understand you. I am sorry for messing things up and turning my back to you. Thank you for forgiving me also. I want to carry on this journey with you, the journey towards your heart. Amen. Do you want to join me with this prayer? if so, just say amen with your heart. Father, thank you!  

       It’s been a while since I wrote a post last time. I actually miss it a lot and always go to Lisa or Gabi’s blog. Last night while I was doing my laundry I realized that it is so much easier to stay close to HIM while we were in difficulty. It does not mean that we forget or abandon HIM if there is no difficulty, but at least HE is not the center. I hate that. Difficulties can be His warning obviously. I even want to put it this way: If you want less hardships, stay close to HIM all the thime. That will be the best. (of course it is totally another topic if we also want to talk about attacks and test.)

     A couple of weeks ago, a sister from my church was in a big trouble and was even sent to the mental hospital. My heart hurts so much looking at her while I do not know what I can help. She was so broken and from my point of view, the way that some people treat her was so unfair to her. But God let all these happened for a reason. Now focuse on her part only, she needs help. She needs God, and she needs strether bearers. Who can carry her if she does not lay still? I do not see any stretcher bear in her life at that moment. Compared to my former hardship, I felt that she had so much less than me. Does that mean God is unfair in treating her? No, of course not. I asked Father:”what is my duty and part in this issue? What should I do? I am willing and I am here!” Further thinking of this: God sent me stretcher bears not only to help me, but also to teach me a lesson to learn how to help others. The ones that God brought to my life are all foreigners. Of course it does not mean that every Chinese christian needs foreign christians so that they can be well. No, aboslutely not. But there is a reason for God to give me this privilege to have so many sweet foreign christians around me. He wants me to not only accept their love, but also learn the way they loved me, the way through which I have benefited so much. I do not mean that Chinese people do not know how to love, but there are some areas that us Chinese people are  inexperienced. So this is my prayer: Lord, I am willing to take the lesson and absorb it so that I can bless others in the same way I have been blessed.

      There was more in my mind that I wanted to write down but unfortunately I forgot. Maybe next time.  May every one who reads this post have a blessed day, a day full of God’s presence.

      How many friends can we have in our life?  And how much time can we spend with each friend?  Are there anyone you know who is excellent but you will never have a chance to talk to him or her face to face unless you are in heaven like Paul or Peter? Of course. But they did leave us something valuable so that we can read their minds and the blessings they got from the Lord. Those are the books or letters or journals they wrote.

      I am thinking of this after reading a few wonderful books recently. I am blessed so much by the authors through their words. They put what they learned through their life experiences, esp the hard ones into words and recorded them. This makes it practical for us to “communiate” with them.  Once there was a popular writer says in her book that writing a book is equal to bear a child. That’s absolutely true. The process of putting all the insights into written words is never an easy thing.  This makes me cherish their books even more.

      Another idea I am having recently is I want to ask Father for the gift of writing down things valuable. I do not know if I can ever write down something as valuable as those authors did, but I believe that anything being taught by God is valuable and it might bless some one, or at least I have been blessed by my former journals which were written years ago. So  I will just continue to practice writing in this blog and see how God will lead me.

     At last, I want to thank Father for HIS blessings on those authors through their words. I pray that more people will be blessed this way and more be blessed through their words. Amen

    During the earthquake time, we saw a lot stretchers with lots of soldiers who carried them with survivors and victims on them. Though saw them, I did not think much about that. Of course my heart was touched while I was at Beichuan climbing over the moutain to get to the Beichuan town seeing the soldiers carriying those victims. It’s not easy to climb even with empty hands, let alone carrying someone clibming up and down as fast as they can. Those people have done a great job with their loving  hearts of saving people.

     There is also a story with stretcher bears in the Bible(maybe more but now I am only thinking of one). So many people come for Jesus for all the healing and releasing miracles He has done so that there is no way to get to HIm. But there is a severly paralyzed man who needs His healing badly. His friends carried him on a stretcher and found a creative way to get to Jesus. They made a whole on the roof of the house where Jesus is and laid down this friend through that whole so that he can get to Jesus. By seeing this, Jesus healed him. I believe for sure that Jesus heals him not only for HIS mercy on him but also because of all the faith and perseverance and love his friends have for him. In another word, he get healed that fast partly because of his friends’ love and action. When I read this part before my own earthquake in my life, I only focused on their faith but not on their love for this friend. After going through my own earthquake trial, I am able to see more of love in them. I mean all the stretcher bears in my life. My dear sisters Soekie, Rachel, Kristi, Lisa, Gabi, Ruby and sister K. Their love and presence and direct words have been so important in receiving HIS healing on my wounded heart. Esp. the ones who really carried me, wept and grieved with me have been such blessings in my life. I am so grateful for their love and help. Sometimes it’s just their willingness to listen and stay with me. I am also grateful for their permission of letting me cry it out of what’s deep in my heart. After pouring them out, it helps in preventing them turning to bitterness. All these stretcher bearers made this trial easier and faster. Their instant response to my need saved me in a faster and amazing way. I ask for God’s blessings on them for their loving hearts towards God and me. I also pray that I can also be a stretcher bearer for others, for the ones in need in my life.

      Dear Lord, thank you so much for this trial so that I could learn from it and experience your love and my friends’ love. Thank you for all the things I learned from this trial: the things I have realized as well as the things I have not realized. I pray that I can act it out as a blessing to others too in the future, no let’s say, from now on. Please continue to equip me to be ready for all the works you’ll invite me to do in my life. I know the meaning and reason for me to stay alive in this world still. I’m gonna live for you only. I love you for your love is so amazing and abundant. I want to response to your love in the way which will please you.  Love you, my Lord. Love you all, my dearly sisters.  In Jesus’ name, Amen!

     Here is a paralyzed man who had been lying in the same spot for thirty-eight years, wishing only that he could get to the healing pool just beyond his reach. Here comes Jesus asking him:”Do you want to get well?”

     ”Do you want to get well?” Have you ever been asked by God that question in your desperate, grieved, sad, helpless and hopeless time? Though I did not hear that question directly asking me by Jesus, I kept being reminded of that question after the earthquake in my life:”Do you really want to get well?”  Yes, do I really want to get well? People may think it’s a stupid question. Some may even get angry by this question. Think of this: You are a very ill patient who’s been in a hospital, let’s say ICU for a few days without any signs showing that you can leave the hospital pretty soon. Here comes someone asking you Do you want to get well? Do you want to walk home as everybody does? Stupid and silly questions right? I do not think that is a normal question that human beings may raise. But if Jesus, the Almighty and powerful God asks you this, it means more than just a question. It’s asking you to take a look at your won attitude towards your situation. Am I actively responding to this issue in my life or just sitting there waiting not with faith but with bitterness?  We know that God gives us the right to choose> It’s the same of offering His healing for us. He does not force us to accept HIS healing. He just offers this, but He leaves it to us to choose by ourselves. So what is your choice? Do you really want to get well? If so, get up and walk. Your faith will show up through your stanind up and starting to walk. That will be followed by healing. If you turn your back to Jesus and saying you are crying out to God, what is that? That means you do not want to get well. That means you enjoy the life of bitterness and hoplessness. See! It’s not just God’s job, you are also a part of the work. You have your responsibilites, that is follow the direction of God your Doctor and actively respond to HIM. You do not have to tell your doctor how to heal you, you just have to obey whatever He commands. Then you will be healed.

      After this time of grieving and being emotional, I want to not only answer with a YES to His question, but also act it out through my daily life depending on HIM. Yes Lord, I want to get well. Thank you for being my doctor. Thank you for your firm and gentle love.  Thank you for being so patient with your stubborn daughter. Thank you for offering this chance of realizing my problems and a bed in your hospital. I will be a good patient while you asks me to stay here and I will be a happy and joyful healthy person who also listens to you and obey you when you tell me to leave and keep my life going after recovery.  Thank you, Father. I love you.

     Last night I had a very nice time with a dearly sister Miss G. She is such a blessing to me. I remembered she said that she did not think that she did  much for me. But for me, a sincere careing heart with love is enough. She is a very good listener which is a great help to me too. There were many good stuff that we mentioned last night.  It is good for I know it is a blessing for both of us. Through our conversation I got to know more about how hard it was for her too for the last weekend. So what? We were both through though we did not know what was going on in the other one’s life. We are pretty sure that Father is always with us. That’s such a comfort.

       I was reminded of the message last sundy–a joyful heart. It is true that the Bible says so many times that we should be joyful. I think this is telling us to be cautious and deal with the bitterness. But in the book written by Solomon it says that there is time to weep and there is time to rejoice; there is time to grieve and there is time to dance. It totally makes sense to me. Grieving is not equal with bitterness. Grieving is actually a way to clean the bitterness and sadness inside of us so that joy can come in later. A joyful heart should be unconditional. Food, friends, parties, hobbies etc can make us happy, but the happiness and joy based on these only are not stable of course. They can be the dessert but not the main food. They can be something nice added to our joy in HIM.

       I suddenly thought of David who went through so many difficulties. He’s been through betrayal too. He’s sinned against God, and he’s loved and been loved. He is actually just so similar to us from some points of view. Especially when facing difficulties, everyone is the same. That’s equal and fair. I say so for I realized that I want to know about how did he face those difficulties. How did he grieve, how did he appreciate God in the midst of all those.  How did he clean the bitterness in his heart and enjoy the joy of salvation. I may look for a time to clearly study that. Lord I pray now that you will provide the time and  a quiet place and lead me in reading and meditation.

      So come back to this title.  A joyful heart can be a result, but I also hope that this result can be the something along with any process. Which means : I do hope that every piece of process can be filled with joy. But without sorrow, how can I understand the real joy? Without boring, how can I understand content and satisfaction? So I am willing to accept the sorrow and tears that God allowed to put in my life for I want to fully know HIS joy in a stable way.  

     I realized also that I am still having a bouncing mind. SO if it is difficult for you to understand what I am writing, Ｉfeel sorry about that. You are welcome to offer your bouncing comment.